The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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