Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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