things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
