I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just want nice things and good sex
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
