some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's shark week go big or go home
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
