soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
only you would photoshop your dick
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
