so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
