I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
