please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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