I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
