Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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