And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
