drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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