I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
