She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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