I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
