Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm too high and old for this...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
