Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
