My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
