my phone needs a breathalizer
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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