If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
