i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
