He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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