Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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