i may or may not be watching the land before time
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
