Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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