the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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