Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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