Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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