After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
