so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
