im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
