he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize