she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's shark week go big or go home
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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