I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
