Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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