He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
