it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
