it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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