if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm gonna have a badass scar
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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