the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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