what if every blade of grass was a penis?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
