Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
