Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
