she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
