I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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