And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Randomize
