There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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