You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
