we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
