i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
