I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
