She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
